live a life worth living

my first ever FB note was a call for my friends to step up and make a difference. the note talked of a special burden God placed in my heart for those suffering from cancer. i spoke of a young lady named michelle who needed a bone marrow transplant and encouraged each of you to register at the national marrow donor program. my heart breaks in remembering that michelle passed away on july 25th 2009. her family and friends are still continuing michelle's legacy. you can read about it here. http://projectmichelle.com/blog/

today i write on behalf of a little girl, kate who has been battling a very malignant and aggressive brain cancer since june 29th 2009. my sister and BIL used to go to the same church as kate's family in california and this is how i found out about their story.

read the 'summary' story here:http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate/mystory

read the updated journal here:http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate/journal

kate's mom's most recent journal entry shares of their desire to help other families in similar situations as they have felt so blessed by the help and outpourings of others. last year, they did 'kate's crazy cool christmas' and requested that toys be donated to the children's hospital so other cancer patients could receive gifts. this year they are once again doing 'kate's crazy cool christmas', in a slightly different way.

they are choosing 10 families to give gift bags to. these gift bags will hold different things that they felt were helpful during the difficult times. things like starbucks, target, restaurant, visa gift cards, etc... along with a separate gift bag with some items such as jesus storybook bible, esv journaling bible, and/or charles spurgeon's "beside still waters".

calvin and i are donating 4 jesus storybook bibles to kate's crazy cool christmas. sophia has one of these and we find it wonderful for her and us. it gives us so much pleasure to know that another family can read stories of Jesus to their child.

i hope you'll join us in sharing Jesus' love with the 10 families that aaron, holly and kate choose to bless this christmas. if you're interested in giving something, send me an email and i'll give you the address where you can send or have the items sent directly to.

in these small little ways, Jesus can shine.

{our birth story}

this is the story of how baby sophia paige lai entered the world.

two entries below explains that i was given cervidil (a cervix ripener) on may 3, 2010 in hopes of bringing on labor. i walked the L&D hallway nearly all night, taking about 1.5 hrs to rest and sleep. unfortunately, when they checked me 12 hrs later at 6:00am, the cervidil didn't do the trick. it did, however, dilate me to 1 "good" cm... i was very thankful as that was 1cm further than the previous day when i was still completely closed!

on may 4, 2010 at 7:10am, i was hooked up to an IV of pitocin, some saline and two fetal monitors. i was definitely bummed about receiving pitocin and being hooked to monitors but considering the circumstances (baby's lack of weight gain since the last measurement), we had no other options. my doctor was on 'partial' call at the hospital and she suggested a cook balloon which was inserted and filled with saline. {that did NOT feel good and the process was rather painful, but heck, i was hoping to push out a baby by the end of the day so i wasn't going to complain!} the idea of the cook balloon is that the added pressure of the ball inside would push down on the cervix, hopefully aiding the process of dilation. the doctor filled up the balloon with a lot of saline, saying that when the balloon came out, i would be about 3cm dilated.

7 hrs later (around 2:10pm), the ball was still inside. this was definitely a low point for me emotionally as contractions were becoming more and more painful (i was gauging the pain level at around 4, maybe 5 out of 10) and i was starting to feel really discouraged. i was experiencing a lot of pain in my lower back region as well. my head kept circling around the fact that the ball hadn't fallen out yet which meant that i was still less than 3cm dilated. "with all this pain, how could that be?", i wondered. typically, 1-3cm is still early labor and shouldn't be so painful. then i remembered that pitocin was doing its work and that my labor was drug induced, not natural.

as my doctor was leaving the hospital and another doctor in her practice was taking over, i received a great pep talk. my doctor told me that i was doing great and that she could always tell in someone's eyes if they were losing it. she said that i was not there yet and that i could do it. she reminded me of my hopes for a completely natural {aka. no pain meds} labor and delivery and encouraged me to focus on one contraction at a time. i inquired about an epidural as i kept thinking if i'm not even at 3cm, how the heck will i handle, 4cm, 5cm, 6cm... 9cm, and 10cm? my doctor said that if i wanted one i could definitely get one but she again told me how wonderfully i was doing and that she believed i could do it naturally.

then she left.

shortly after, i was doing some squats in hopes that the ball would come out and it did! it was the weirdest sensation. i think the back labor i was getting was from the pressure of the ball because the second it came out, the contractions changed and away went the back labor. thankfully!

i was checked for the first time since the introduction of pitocin and i was 6cm dilated! i felt so thankful and encouraged feeling that all the pain wasn't for nothing because it had brought me past the halfway point. the hubby and my doula rejoiced but i quickly refocused knowing there was still a lot of work to be done. this was around 2:45pm.

the labor increased in pain as the pitocin increased in amount. i was sitting on my fitness/yoga ball a lot as i was tied down to too many monitors/IV pole to walk around or use the shower/tub. my doula was wonderful and continually encouraged me as well as gave me massages/counter pressure to help deal with the pain. the hubby provided quiet support which was exactly what i needed from him.

labor continued to progress. at 4:45pm when the doctor came to check how far along i had progressed, i was at 7/8cm. i was somewhat bummed that after 2 hrs, i had only progressed 1-2cm. the doctor decided that it was time to rupture my membranes (i.e. break my water) and when she did, baby's head immediately came down and i was 8cm dilated.

woohoo! i was getting closer.

the doctor said that she would come back to check me in one hour. one hour!!! that was so exciting to hear. except that this next hour was so intense! i found myself looking at the wall clock at every contraction which made the time tick even slower. minute by minute... finally i made myself stop looking each time i wanted to. these 'transition phase' contractions were beyond anything i've ever experienced. i was sitting in a rocking chair with my feet pressed and pushed and pulled against the bed legs. although, truthfully i can't really remember the pain right now, i remember at the time feeling like i was going to die. and feeling like i just couldn't handle another one. the hubby held my hand and let me squeeze it to pieces while saying that i could do it. that i WAS doing it. ice chips were also very helpful at this point as my lips were so dry from trying to breath steadily. my doula was also wonderfully reminding me that this was all for a purpose and that each contraction was bringing me closer and closer.

by the 35 minute mark, i really really wanted the doctor to come and check me again as i felt like i wanted to push. i kept pathetically looking at the hubby asking/requesting him to pray for me. he said he was. i remember praying as well, asking God to please make me 10cm dilated when the doc came back. i felt in my heart that if i wasn't fully dilated at that point, i really didn't know how i would continue on. yep. it felt THAT intense. the doctor came back around 6pm, checked me and said the words i wanted to hear. "are you ready to push?" adrenaline and excitement entered my body and i was ready! so ready.

the pushing was such a relief after the intense 'transition phase' contractions. the doctor taught me how to push {get air, hold your breath and truly push like you're going to have a bowel movement.} i started getting the hang of it and the doctor was slowly applying jelly and stretching the perineum to minimize tearing. dang that burned and did not feel good but again, i knew my baby's head was going to come out through that space so the momentary burning faded to the background. the doctor was so good - between pushes, she had me touch baby's head. to be honest, i didn't know what i was feeling but apparently it was baby's head and apparently there was a lot of hair. :) the hubby and the doula were both so excited and i was starting to think there really was an end in sight.

but when was still in question.

my team was so great. my doula held one leg, my nurse held the other leg, the hubby took photos/videos, and the doctor encouraged and let me lead on the pushing front. i am so thankful for the team that we had working with us. 25 minutes after starting to push, baby's head came out. on all the baby story television shows that i've seen, they tell the mom to stop pushing as they maneuver the baby's shoulders, etc but apparently baby sophia flew out in one {nearly} fell swoop. :) our baby was born!

in the end, no epidural or pain meds were given. the doctor asked me at 8cm if i wanted an epidural. i recall grunting, "no". she asked again and i ignored her. in the end, i'm really thankful that i didn't get an epi or pain meds as i really didn't want baby to feel sluggish or experience any drugs (except for pitocin but there was no option there). i also didn't want to feel sluggish or drugged so that i could fully experience it all. and boy, i did.

now that the labor and delivery is over, i kind of laugh at how much emphasis i had placed on learning how to have the labor and delivery that i wanted. i should really have focused my preggo-cy days reading up on how to be a new mom. my butt has been kicked over and over again since baby's birth and it's only been 2.5 weeks. i've felt completely overwhelmed and anxious at the thought of being responsible for such a little being and breast feeding has put me at such high highs and such low lows. each day brings new challenges filled with changes and the need for me to adjust and adapt.

thankfully, the past 2 days have been much much better emotionally and mentally. perhaps the preggo-cy hormones are exiting my body. or perhaps i'm slowly learning to take each change as it comes and to adjust. i'm trying to let go of the way i thought things would or should be and am trying to just go with the flow. it's been quite the adventure...

time to feed the little one again. i am a human cow. that is my job description.

{week 39-40}

my parents arrived last Sunday. days have been filled with spending quality time with them, eating wonderful home cooked meals from my mommy and taking strolls in Central Park. the weather has gotten so lovely! :)

as the due date has come and gone i went through a day of feeling extreme internal pressure and anxiety. "how come baby didn't want to come out?", i thought... thankfully, after praying about it, God gave me much peace and now i'm just enjoying the last bits of free time before baby arrives. we're ready for you sweet little one but we will be patient until you are ready. or until God says you're ready. :D

{baby update}

we've felt so blessed by all the support and prayers for us and baby. thank you!

here is an update:
i spoke with my doctor today. she said that on monday when i get the ultrasound estimating baby's weight, if baby hasn't gained at least one pound (the last weight estimated was 4lbs 14oz 12 days ago), she is going to send me directly back to the hospital for induction (meaning they will use drugs to make my labor begin). initially i felt alarmed at the immediacy of that idea but i completely agree that if they feel that baby is at risk for some reason, for example, "why is baby not gaining weight appropriately, esp in these last weeks when babies typically gain lots of weight", then i also want baby out. i am 38 weeks tomorrow so there is no reason to really wait if they feel something isn't right.

the harder part to reconcile for myself is that i really wanted a natural birth and with induction (pitocin drugs) and being continuously monitored (because of baby's small size), it will be SO MUCH harder to do that since the contractions will be so much stronger/intense and i won't be able to walk at all or move around as much due to the continuous monitoring... i had also really hoped for no drugs (whether epidural or pitocin because all these things reach baby and i didn't want baby drugged) so that's a bit unexpected and makes me remember that i really need to let go and be flexible with how things will go because it's all in God's plan.

all this to say that we'd love your prayers - i believe that God can fatten baby up if He wants to so that is what we'll ask for.

please pray:
1. that baby fattens up so much more than we can hope and that it's a miracle how much growth she's had thus allowing labor to start as it will on its own (but of course not too much growth since we don't want her humongous).
2. that the sonographer on monday would be accurate in her estimate of baby's weight since her measurement will decide a lot.
3. that we would fully trust our doc's recommendations and feel at peace with whatever decisions are made on monday.
4. that even if there is pitocin and continuous monitoring - for a smooth and uncomplicated labor, even "easy", in relative terms of course.
5. that calvin and i are emotionally prepped and that we will fully rest in His plan for us and baby.

there's probably so much more i would love prayer for but please pray as you feel led since i can't think of it all and can't possibly state it as clearly as i would want to. lots of different things are running through my head right now.

overall, i feel okay. i randomly feel panicky as it's all so unpredictable and come monday morning, so much will be revealed. so, pray with us please! :) thank you.

{prayers answered}

thanks for all the support and prayers. we felt so blessed and supported by the community around us. 

an update: 

we went to the hospital this morning to get the biophysical profile (i.e. an in depth ultrasound) and a non-stress test. baby passed both with flying colors. baby is estimated at 4lbs 14oz which is abt 1 lb smaller than the average at this point. that felt okay to me since i'm pretty small as well. also, it's just an estimate, which honestly i hear is often very incorrect. we checked the amt of nutrients and oxygen going through the umbilical cord and that looked good. and baby's heartbeat and movements were very strong which made me very happy.

all this is good news, however, because of baby's small size, the doctor at the hospital wanted me to come back 2x a week til baby is born. they'll be monitoring baby and making sure baby gains weight and continues to look strong. that along with our weekly doctor's office means a lot of visits but i guess it works out okay since friday is my last day of work before maternity leave! and all this is for baby so i will do it willingly.

the photo above is from the non-stress test. the squigly line up top is baby's heartbeat. very steady which is great! the little music note like dots underneath is baby's movement which is very frequent, another good sign. the line at the bottom is my uterus contracting... i didn't even realize my uterus was contracting at all, so that was a bit interesting!

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in other wonderful news, my friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy at 7lbs and 7oz. i had the awesome privilege of being with her as she labored for numerous hrs in our apt. it really is perfect how my appt this morning took so long that it wasn't worth it to go to work and then she needed a place to labor so she could be at the hospital for as short a time as possible... for me, it was wonderful to be a part of her laboring process even as i did nothing and tried to be as quiet and out of the way as possible. it was great to experience labor with her and see how she handled it. it gave me great hopes for my own laboring process and made me believe i could do it too. i am so proud of you becky!!! you and daddy did such a great job.

{prayers requested}

today we went to the doctor for our weekly visit. we're at 36.5 weeks. the doctor was concerned about baby's size saying that baby is smaller than the size expected for the EDD. she is a very laid back doctor (almost like a midwife with medical training) so when she exhibits concern, i definitely start feeling some anxiety. she based her concern on 2 factors.

1. the measurement of my {pubic bone to fundus} is smaller than it was at last weeks visit. it measured at 32 this week (last week was 34 or 35) and typically this measurement corresponds to the gestational week you are at. i have always measured somewhat smaller so i believe her concern is because the number went down instead of staying the same or going up.

2. my weight gain recently hasn't been as much as she thinks it should be. she said she doesn't care if i gain weight or not but if baby's not gaining weight then there is a problem. darn! and i eat so much these days too.

we were instructed to make an appt with the hospital for an ultrasound to measure baby's EFW (estimated fetal weight). i don't really get why we couldn't just do that at her office - all i can guess is that the technology at the hospital is more accurate.

when i start thinking too much about all of this, it's a bit scary . but we're really trying to remember our wonderful God in all this. He made baby and loves baby greatly. all we can do is focus on that and keep praying for baby's safety, health and growth! grow, little one, grow!

we'd love your prayers.

the art of {faith as small as a mustardseed}

i got a job! :)

after searching for an art therapy related job for about 1yr & 8months, i finally received a call from HR at maimonides medical center on tuesday offering me a child life position! :) i am thrilled not only because i have finally secured a job but because for many other reasons as well!

while i was job searching, i was also soul searching. i often asked the question, 'where is God leading me? what does He want me to do? who has He given me a heart for?' obviously that answer did not come quickly or easily but i made a list of the things i have a passion for, believing that many of these are from Him. here they are: fitness, health/nutrition, therapy, being creative, working with medically ill vs. mentally ill, a more 'normal' daily work schedule.

this new position {and i KNOW it won't in any way be perfect} really fits the bill. i will be working at a hospital with medically ill children. the schedule is awesome! no late nights which was always one of the most hated things abt my old job. i will also re-begin accruing my hrs for licensure - a humongous blessing of this job.

i truly feel thankful to be able to sit back and see God do His work in my life and in the way things panned out. of course i didn't just sit and do nothing! i don't believe in that. i job searched, applied to probably a thousand jobs, learned to wait, heard nothing, interviewed a handful of times, was rejected numerous times, to finally land {here}. happy {here}. :)

i will begin this position in a couple of weeks! eeek. i'm excited but definitely nervous too. a new job is a challenge - learning how to do the job well, mtg new people, an unknown environment, etc...

soon after i was offered this position, the hubby and i decided that we must take a final trip to relax and play before i start. last night we booked a flight to los cabos! :) i've never been there but have heard wonderfully beautiful things about it. for the first time in my life, i'm going to mexico and will be staying at an all inclusive resort/hotel place where food and drinks are included! there's a fitness center, many pools, some tennis courts... even table tennis! :) we're pretty psyched. the hubby hasn't been able to fall asleep for a couple of nights in a row because he's so excited. :) hehe... i, on the other hand, have had to wake up earlier than usual this past week which has led me to sleep rather soundly each night since i'm so zonked!

we also plan on bringing a few good books on this vacay. a sweet friend recently lent me a thousand splendid suns which i am hooked to. the story is definitely sad but it is written very well. grabbing at me and making me not want to put the book down. the hubby is reading the color of water which i passed along to him after reading it and just absolutely loving the story and the writing style.

this past year and 8months has definitely been a time of waiting. of believing that God has something great for me. i never doubted it though there were times when i felt discouraged. i am thankful that God has given me a lot of faith in Him - mostly grown through past difficult experiences and struggles. it is good to be at this place with Him. hopefully this is encouraging to you. He will not leave you either. He is faithful. if life has thrown you sour lemons for some reason, believe that He has all authority and power to teach you how to make some awesome lemonade.

the power of {prayer}

i've spoken to you about michelle in the past. michelle is 27 and has been battling Acute Myeloid Leukemia for the past 2+ yrs. she did go into remission once but unfortunately, it did not last. her story has truly touched my heart. please continue to {pray} on her behalf. she has not been doing well. after an initially promising stem cell transplant in seattle a couple months back, her condition declined. currently, they are trying last efforts by seeing an eastern herbal medicine man. please {pray} for her. here is her story, updated by herself, her husband and sometimes friends.

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this morning i also learned of a little girl named kate mcrae, 5 yrs old, who was diagnosed this past monday with a brain tumor. aaron (her father) was the assistant pastor at the chicago church that my sister and BIL attended while they were there for 2 years. she is undergoing brain surgery RIGHT NOW. please watch this youtube video and {pray} for her and her family.

prayer is extremely powerful and i believe in His supernatural miraculous healing. please make a choice right now to {pray}.

lean and trying times . sitting at His feet ::

Lord, where do you want me to be? this has been my constant prayer in many areas of my life. every decision is related to the next step and when the steps aren't laid out, the state of limbo is where i stand.

it's been hard to find an art psychotherapy position since quitting my previously brain draining job in oct 2007. i can't believe it's 2009 now and i haven't worked as an art therapist for ~1.5 years. the first 6 months were important resting and renewing time for my heart, mind and soul. the next 6 months were filled with more serious job searching. the last 6 months have been filled with wondering where and if God has indeed called me to this field (as i haven't found an adequate job yet) and studying for, taking and passing the art therapy boards in addition to job searching. as most of you know, i've also decided to pursue a passion of mine and open up a small business shop of one-of-a-kind and/or limited edition handcrafted jewelry. that has been a lot of work and fun but unless i find someone famous to flaunt my work, i know this is only a side business. question is - what does God want me to do? what is my 'real' business? sigh.

where shall we live? spending one month with my sister and new nephew has been such a blessing. it makes me miss them all that much more and really makes me wonder what is priority to me? is it choosing to sacrifice and move to be near family? or is it deciding that the harder edgy-er life of new york is where we are called to serve? there is a great lack of peace regarding the thought of moving out west right now. the hubby and i don't know why but we both seem to feel it. it's very sad though to know that each day that passes, my little adorable nephew is growing up without me present and not hearing the humming sounds of his auntie or feeling her hugs and kisses around his chubby cheeks and hands. this decision of where to live affects the job situation as well.

kids and money. this is another issue that the hubby and i are thinking about. we want both but that's besides the point. the timing of when to try for kids is related to the money we don't have (since we hear that kids are quite expensive) and thus related to me finding a job. which comes first? the job? the kids? the choice to move or not move? in addition to these tough mind numbing and often anxiety provoking thoughts is the fact that since passing the art therapy board exam, i have 3 years to accrue my hours, thus allowing me to become BC (board certified). in my mind, this means i should get an art therapy job, God-willing, and work til i get my hrs and then decide abt the kids and potential moving.

who knows really what will happen, along with the when's and if's. the hubby and i are fully aware that it is all in God's timing and His perfect plan but we are also believers that we can't just sit by and do nothing with the mindset that 'God will do everything'. He did give us minds afterall.

it's way past my bedtime. thanks for listening. good night.

addicted ::

it's so easy to get addicted to the etsy site and all its wonderful resources. i'm busy trying to get my name out there and looking through everyone elses wonderful sites. flipping through the promotions, the treasury and 'pounce'.

but in the meanwhile, forgetting the important things... like making the jewelry! :) thus, going back to the basics. putting away the computer for this moment and sitting down with the wires and pliers and stones and crystals. hoping to add more items soon! keep an eye out. :)

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in other news::
reading philippians 4 yesterday God reminded me of 2 things.
1. rejoice in the Lord always. i will say it again. rejoice!
2. be content in whatever the circumstances.

these two really go hand in hand and it wasn't something i really considered or pondered til yesterday with the Bible in one hand and my journal in the other. i'm thankful He has motivated my heart again to search Him deeper. it's hard to fully rejoice (to have joy) and to fully be content. this society doesn't breed us in that direction and i am easily torn away from the light Jesus shines in my direction. the world is too 'beautiful' and my heart wants more of it. i guess that's why it's good to have things like His Word to bring us back.

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a bike resting against a lovely wrought iron gate in the west village, nyc.