{week 39-40}

my parents arrived last Sunday. days have been filled with spending quality time with them, eating wonderful home cooked meals from my mommy and taking strolls in Central Park. the weather has gotten so lovely! :)

as the due date has come and gone i went through a day of feeling extreme internal pressure and anxiety. "how come baby didn't want to come out?", i thought... thankfully, after praying about it, God gave me much peace and now i'm just enjoying the last bits of free time before baby arrives. we're ready for you sweet little one but we will be patient until you are ready. or until God says you're ready. :D

{ playing while anticipating }

baby oh baby, when will you make your appearance? mommy and daddy are excited to meet you! we shall be patient and wait until you are ready. here is your room -- all ready for you. :)

since we weren't sure if we were going to be induced on Monday, last weekend i had a sudden urge to take some 'final' photos of my belly. as you can tell, i'm very nostalgic. here is belly at week 38. she certainly looks bigger to me! :)

our doula brought us some lovely smelling and pretty lilacs. they sure brighten up our space! :) thanks mk.

lastly, tonight we enjoyed attending a spring benefit for the private school i used to work at. this year it was held at the diane von furstenberg studio in the meatpacking district. lovely space. great food. free drinks. nice time chatting with friends. good times.

{blessings}

update:
baby gained 1 lb since 12 days ago! that meant we didn't need to get induced yesterday and we can continue on with growing baby inside and just wait for natural labor to begin. at 38+ weeks, baby is estimated at 5lbs 13oz and that is a good place for us! i told my doctor that i had upped my protein intake in hopes of helping baby girl grow and she said that i shouldn't do that because it only adds onto my weight and not baby's weight since my normal nutrition is def adequate enough to feed the placenta that feeds baby. phew. :) what a relief. now i can stop trying to overeat on the protein front!

over the weekend, when we were contemplating the idea of induction and of meeting our baby girl super soon, we went from slight apprehension to eager anticipation. yesterday when we were informed of no induction (yay! definitely a good thing), a small part of my heart was disappointed that i wouldn't yet get to meet baby gal. but i know that day isn't far so i quickly bounced back and got to spend some quality time with a few friends. :D

baby is hiccuping and kicking right now so my guess is she's saying hi to you all and thanking you for praying for her, mommy-to-be, and daddy-to-be. we thank you as well. the past two weeks reminded us of the importance of being surrounded by a supportive and praying community. we love you all. :)

{baby update}

we've felt so blessed by all the support and prayers for us and baby. thank you!

here is an update:
i spoke with my doctor today. she said that on monday when i get the ultrasound estimating baby's weight, if baby hasn't gained at least one pound (the last weight estimated was 4lbs 14oz 12 days ago), she is going to send me directly back to the hospital for induction (meaning they will use drugs to make my labor begin). initially i felt alarmed at the immediacy of that idea but i completely agree that if they feel that baby is at risk for some reason, for example, "why is baby not gaining weight appropriately, esp in these last weeks when babies typically gain lots of weight", then i also want baby out. i am 38 weeks tomorrow so there is no reason to really wait if they feel something isn't right.

the harder part to reconcile for myself is that i really wanted a natural birth and with induction (pitocin drugs) and being continuously monitored (because of baby's small size), it will be SO MUCH harder to do that since the contractions will be so much stronger/intense and i won't be able to walk at all or move around as much due to the continuous monitoring... i had also really hoped for no drugs (whether epidural or pitocin because all these things reach baby and i didn't want baby drugged) so that's a bit unexpected and makes me remember that i really need to let go and be flexible with how things will go because it's all in God's plan.

all this to say that we'd love your prayers - i believe that God can fatten baby up if He wants to so that is what we'll ask for.

please pray:
1. that baby fattens up so much more than we can hope and that it's a miracle how much growth she's had thus allowing labor to start as it will on its own (but of course not too much growth since we don't want her humongous).
2. that the sonographer on monday would be accurate in her estimate of baby's weight since her measurement will decide a lot.
3. that we would fully trust our doc's recommendations and feel at peace with whatever decisions are made on monday.
4. that even if there is pitocin and continuous monitoring - for a smooth and uncomplicated labor, even "easy", in relative terms of course.
5. that calvin and i are emotionally prepped and that we will fully rest in His plan for us and baby.

there's probably so much more i would love prayer for but please pray as you feel led since i can't think of it all and can't possibly state it as clearly as i would want to. lots of different things are running through my head right now.

overall, i feel okay. i randomly feel panicky as it's all so unpredictable and come monday morning, so much will be revealed. so, pray with us please! :) thank you.

{ emotions }

today i am feeling sad. i went to my doctor's appt in the early am and met with the last doctor in the practice. she's got the least "warm" bedside manner of the 4 doctor's in the practice and she said, "your baby is VERY small", which really didn't make me feel better since she didn't offer me help in how to make baby bigger. she also commented that i am high risk... now that certainly didn't feel good.

next i headed over to my hospital visit where i was to get the biophysical profile and the non-stress test. my spirit was a bit dampened already since the doctor wasn't encouraging regarding baby's size and then baby apparently didn't really feel like being monitored so i had to stay for quite some time with the nurse (who is nice) every so often roughly shaking my belly to make baby wake up. even though there was nothing wrong with what she was doing and normally i don't think i would've been too bothered, today it made me very sad. i was saddened that baby needed to be monitored so much when just 1.5 weeks ago all was well and things seemed perfectly normal and fine. the biophysical profile was fine. everything seems to be okay there according to the sonographer and reading doctor. i am thankful for the good news. i thought we'd get another reading on baby's size but i was informed that they do weight readings every 2 weeks so baby has time to grow.

i prayed a lot to God to lift my spirits because i would start tearing just thinking about all the tests baby has to go through. so many ultrasounds and being monitored by the fetal monitor in the coming weeks. and being pushed and jostled so she would "pass" these tests. i also wanted my spirits lifted because if i'm sad, then baby may feel my sadness and i didn't want that. last week i felt fine - maybe the emotional burden of all of this has just started to hit me more.

please pray that baby continues to gain weight and that in a week or so when we check her weight, that she has put on enough poundage to make us no longer high risk and higher than the 10th percentile in weight. we really appreciate your prayers and know that God hears them.

{prayers answered}

thanks for all the support and prayers. we felt so blessed and supported by the community around us. 

an update: 

we went to the hospital this morning to get the biophysical profile (i.e. an in depth ultrasound) and a non-stress test. baby passed both with flying colors. baby is estimated at 4lbs 14oz which is abt 1 lb smaller than the average at this point. that felt okay to me since i'm pretty small as well. also, it's just an estimate, which honestly i hear is often very incorrect. we checked the amt of nutrients and oxygen going through the umbilical cord and that looked good. and baby's heartbeat and movements were very strong which made me very happy.

all this is good news, however, because of baby's small size, the doctor at the hospital wanted me to come back 2x a week til baby is born. they'll be monitoring baby and making sure baby gains weight and continues to look strong. that along with our weekly doctor's office means a lot of visits but i guess it works out okay since friday is my last day of work before maternity leave! and all this is for baby so i will do it willingly.

the photo above is from the non-stress test. the squigly line up top is baby's heartbeat. very steady which is great! the little music note like dots underneath is baby's movement which is very frequent, another good sign. the line at the bottom is my uterus contracting... i didn't even realize my uterus was contracting at all, so that was a bit interesting!

::
in other wonderful news, my friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy at 7lbs and 7oz. i had the awesome privilege of being with her as she labored for numerous hrs in our apt. it really is perfect how my appt this morning took so long that it wasn't worth it to go to work and then she needed a place to labor so she could be at the hospital for as short a time as possible... for me, it was wonderful to be a part of her laboring process even as i did nothing and tried to be as quiet and out of the way as possible. it was great to experience labor with her and see how she handled it. it gave me great hopes for my own laboring process and made me believe i could do it too. i am so proud of you becky!!! you and daddy did such a great job.

{prayers requested}

today we went to the doctor for our weekly visit. we're at 36.5 weeks. the doctor was concerned about baby's size saying that baby is smaller than the size expected for the EDD. she is a very laid back doctor (almost like a midwife with medical training) so when she exhibits concern, i definitely start feeling some anxiety. she based her concern on 2 factors.

1. the measurement of my {pubic bone to fundus} is smaller than it was at last weeks visit. it measured at 32 this week (last week was 34 or 35) and typically this measurement corresponds to the gestational week you are at. i have always measured somewhat smaller so i believe her concern is because the number went down instead of staying the same or going up.

2. my weight gain recently hasn't been as much as she thinks it should be. she said she doesn't care if i gain weight or not but if baby's not gaining weight then there is a problem. darn! and i eat so much these days too.

we were instructed to make an appt with the hospital for an ultrasound to measure baby's EFW (estimated fetal weight). i don't really get why we couldn't just do that at her office - all i can guess is that the technology at the hospital is more accurate.

when i start thinking too much about all of this, it's a bit scary . but we're really trying to remember our wonderful God in all this. He made baby and loves baby greatly. all we can do is focus on that and keep praying for baby's safety, health and growth! grow, little one, grow!

we'd love your prayers.