lean and trying times . sitting at His feet ::

Lord, where do you want me to be? this has been my constant prayer in many areas of my life. every decision is related to the next step and when the steps aren't laid out, the state of limbo is where i stand.

it's been hard to find an art psychotherapy position since quitting my previously brain draining job in oct 2007. i can't believe it's 2009 now and i haven't worked as an art therapist for ~1.5 years. the first 6 months were important resting and renewing time for my heart, mind and soul. the next 6 months were filled with more serious job searching. the last 6 months have been filled with wondering where and if God has indeed called me to this field (as i haven't found an adequate job yet) and studying for, taking and passing the art therapy boards in addition to job searching. as most of you know, i've also decided to pursue a passion of mine and open up a small business shop of one-of-a-kind and/or limited edition handcrafted jewelry. that has been a lot of work and fun but unless i find someone famous to flaunt my work, i know this is only a side business. question is - what does God want me to do? what is my 'real' business? sigh.

where shall we live? spending one month with my sister and new nephew has been such a blessing. it makes me miss them all that much more and really makes me wonder what is priority to me? is it choosing to sacrifice and move to be near family? or is it deciding that the harder edgy-er life of new york is where we are called to serve? there is a great lack of peace regarding the thought of moving out west right now. the hubby and i don't know why but we both seem to feel it. it's very sad though to know that each day that passes, my little adorable nephew is growing up without me present and not hearing the humming sounds of his auntie or feeling her hugs and kisses around his chubby cheeks and hands. this decision of where to live affects the job situation as well.

kids and money. this is another issue that the hubby and i are thinking about. we want both but that's besides the point. the timing of when to try for kids is related to the money we don't have (since we hear that kids are quite expensive) and thus related to me finding a job. which comes first? the job? the kids? the choice to move or not move? in addition to these tough mind numbing and often anxiety provoking thoughts is the fact that since passing the art therapy board exam, i have 3 years to accrue my hours, thus allowing me to become BC (board certified). in my mind, this means i should get an art therapy job, God-willing, and work til i get my hrs and then decide abt the kids and potential moving.

who knows really what will happen, along with the when's and if's. the hubby and i are fully aware that it is all in God's timing and His perfect plan but we are also believers that we can't just sit by and do nothing with the mindset that 'God will do everything'. He did give us minds afterall.

it's way past my bedtime. thanks for listening. good night.